Thursday, September 3, 2009

Ponderings

My mind is wandering all over the place... all kinds of thoughts over the past few days.

I'm super happy for friends of mine who have had babies in the past few months. However, there is always this twinge of jealousy for those who had, shall we say, non c-section births. I am truly, truly thankful that Jax and I are both happy and healthy now. But there are times when I just get bummed about how everything turned out. It's not that I feel like I didn't do my job as a woman. I pushed for FOUR hours. I did my job. Jax just had other plans. He wasn't ready to come out and I wish I had been more aware of that, sucked it up and just waited to get induced. I bet if I had given it another week, he would have come out on his own. Now, I just really want to know what it's like to actually birth a baby. I pray all the time that I will be able to have a VBAC and experience a "normal" birth one day. Oh well... like I said, I'm so blessed to have a happy, healthy baby and I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world.

On another note, Ryan leaves next Sunday for France. He will be gone for 6 weeks, which isn't too long. But I'm still not looking forward to it. I'm not worried about taking care of Jax by myself. I know I can handle that. It's more the being alone stuff that I'm not looking forward to. Plus the boy things that he normally does that I will now have to do. Trash, lawns, etc... I'm also bummed about him missing 6 weeks of Jax growing. Jax changes so much, so quickly that he's going to seem like a different kid when Ryan gets home. He will be almost 5 months old!

I've also been missing California like crazy. Going home a few weeks ago was AWESOME! I had such a great time seeing family and a few friends. But it also made me miss it so much more. Before we had Jax, it wasn't such a big deal to be so far away from everyone. Now, it's a totally different story. It makes me sad that Jax doesn't regularly get to see his grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. It also makes me miss my girlfriends more because a lot of them are having babies and I really want to have playdates and hang out with them. I have friends here with babies, but it's a bit different because I grew up with the girls back home.

So basically I've just been overall bummed out for the past few days. I'll get over it and be strong and move on... because that's what mommies do. They are strong for their babies. And I intend to be nothing less than heroic for mine!


4 comments:

  1. All your feelings are completing normal. I think it comes with the MOMMY HORMONES ;) So many ups and downs. You keep being a good mommy...and when all else fails, just remember that you are Jax's hero!

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  2. I love you babe! You are an awesome mom to Jax! I am so proud of you! I KNOW that with God on your side and by your side you will handle whatever comes your way. It's ok to be blue sometimes. It's the way we are made. Here's a verse that has helped me soooo much, 2 Cor. 9:8. I love you!

    Mom

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  3. I am having similar feelings Jenna! You are not alone, which makes me feel like it must be normal. I too get lonely, especially since Derek works nights. Wish you were back in California!!! Please call me anytime you want to talk!!!

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  4. I hear you on the whole "what to do when your husbands gone?!!?" It has been only 11 days since Carl has been gone for his TDY in Hawaii, and it sucks because the days last FOREVVEEERRR!!! I still have 5 days to go. Ugh. I really REALLY love this e-blog thing. I am slowly learning how it all works, and I really enjoyed scrolling thru all of your baby belly photos! SO cute! I can't believe you pushed for 4 whole hours. Your are my hero! ;) I am glad everything turned out ok and everyones healthy today. I hope and pray that everything goes smooth for me during my prego time. I am very excited and have waited for this all my life! I am glad to be able to share it with you guys and be a part of the mommy train that seems so popular these days =) Keep in touch. I will be checking in on you periodically =)

    xo, Melanie

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