Thursday, August 22, 2013

Struggling with fear

A few days ago, as I was driving over to my parents house to drop Jax off for a sleepover, he asked me from the backseat "Mom, when will Nana and Boppa die?" The question caught me slightly off-guard as I started quickly wracking my brain for the best possible answer. I was wondering what made him ask that question, and what made him even think of it in the first place? He is fortunate enough to have 7 out of 8 great-grandparents still living. And his only great-grandparent that isn't living (my maternal grandpa) died when I was 10, so the question couldn't have been triggered by a death in our family. 

I answered him the best way I knew how. I explained that they wouldn't die for a long time because most people die when they are very old, and Nana and Boppa aren't very old yet. Then I explained that even though dying is a sad thing, we get to be excited about going to live in Heaven with Jesus. And now that he has asked Jesus to live in his heart, he gets to be excited about that too. He seemed to be okay with my answer, and I tried to change the subject, but I could see in his face that he was still worried. I asked him what was wrong and he said that he was sad. When I asked him why, he said "because I don't want to die". How do you listen to your child say that and not start to cry? Answer is--- you don't. I immediately started crying as I tried to comfort him with my words and ease his fears. 

As I finally got him distracted with the excitement of going to Nana and Boppa's for a sleepover, I started to think more about the conversation that had just taken place. It's one of those parenting moments that I don't think I will ever forget. One of those hard moments that leaves your heart feeling a bit heavy. And then it hit me, that this hard moment came on the tail of one of the best parenting moments of my life. That Jax had accepted Jesus into his heart to be his Lord and Savior. 

And that this talk about death was a spiritual attack

That at just 4 years old, Jax was already having to deal with the fact that Satan doesn't like it when we give our lives to God. And he will do everything he can to try to break the bond that is formed when we ask Jesus into our hearts... to forgive our sins and to be our Lord and Savior. 

And then I got mad. Because here's the thing.... I struggle with fear. And I especially struggle with fear about death and dying.... and even more so in relation to myself and my kids. I battle it daily. The fear that something will happen to me or my kids at a very young age.

And it made me SO mad that Satan was taking advantage of my weakness and trying to instill that same weakness in Jax. I refuse to let that happen.

"He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection. Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor the arrow that flies in the day. Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness, nor the disaster that strikes at midday. Though a thousand fall at your side, though ten thousand are dying around you, these evils will not touch you."
 Psalm 91: 4-8

After dropping Jax off at my parents', I sat in my car and prayed. Hard. I prayed that God would show up powerfully and take this fear away. From me. From Jax. That it would not be something that Jax has to struggle with in the same way that I do. 

Fear has always been something that I've struggled with, but it has become exponentially worse since becoming a mother. I rarely watch the news anymore, and I even have to skip over certain blogs that I normally read because my heart just can't handle it. I know that God does not want us to live a fearful life.  Fear steals joy. And I want to be joy-full.

So this is something that I will continue to pray about, seek advice about and trust God about. And my hope is that as I work to triumph over this struggle, that my strength will be passed on to my children, so that they will never have to live in fear.

"Say to those with fearful hearts, 'Be strong, and do not fear, for your God is coming to destroy your enemies. He is coming to save you' "
Isaiah 35:4


  1. Perfectly put! This verse speaks to my mamma heart too. It is hard to watch the new and things of that nature because we picture ourselves in there or think of what could happen to our babies. We can be thankful for a God who has promised our eternal safety and will never leave us. Thanks for sharing Jenna! Would you care if I put a link back to this from my blog? I know lots of mommies who would relate!

  2. I have a big big fear with death, too. Just the thought of something happening to me, my husband, our parents, or God forbid one of our kids can bring me to tears no matter where I am. Pray pray pray, sister. He will take care of us. :)